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Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
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6:29 pm - Adios
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I don't think I am going to be back on Live Journal anymore. I don't really have any friends here who listen to me anyway. So, its kind of pointless. No. It IS pointless. I shall be using Xanga from now on probably, since that is where all my friends are. KamiNoWakaiJosei is my name if any of you people care...which I doubt.
I'm just tired of people not listening to me when I always try to speak the truth.
Goodbye to all.
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| Saturday, May 14th, 2005
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10:18 am - Seeing if this chatbox thingy works here lol
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| Monday, May 9th, 2005
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11:24 pm - Tongues?
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Today I finished reading Filled With The Spirit by Joyce Meyer, and for awhile I've been wanting to be filled and speak in tongues and such, and hopefully by reading that book I could at least find out how. Well, since I finished it in school, I didn't try exactly right away, but I did when I got home after I set this up Anyway...
I prayed that if my motives were right and I truely wanted to be baptized in God's spirit, I prayed that God would fill me and show me the outward signs of it by praying/speaking in tongues. Afterwards, I opened my mouth, but nothing really was comming to my mind in perticular so I just simply said things in English, things that I knew.
But, a few moments later, a word or phrase came to my mind and I spoke it in my head, and then outloud. What I said was: abarashiraka (pronounced abba la she la ka)
Definitely didn't think it was God giving me the word(s), but I kept in mind that Joyce had only 4 words when she first spoke in tongues and even though she thought they weren't from God, she found them in the dictionary and they happened to be Latin for something relating to God. Soon after that, God gave her a whole language in tongues.
I looked in two dictionaries we had at home. Looked in the Websters one but they didn't have any old languages in it, and then I thought to myself, well, this doesn't seem like Latin to me, nor Greek, nor anything else, except Japanese. I was looking in the wrong spot. So, I brought my Japanese Dictionary to church to babysit and while the kids were watching tv/horsing around, I looked up any possiblities any of it could mean. This is what I came up with:
abaku-expose; reveal abara-bone (rib) (don't think that had anything to do with it, but oh well lol) bara-rose barasu-expose (a secret) rashii-seem, appear, souind; I hear (that) raku-comfort; pleasure; relief; easy
Some of it seems to fit together and make some sense, but its rather vague. Nothing really set in stone truth, but thats at least what I came up with.
current mood: relaxed current music: Kutless ~ Strong Tower
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| Sunday, May 8th, 2005
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12:55 pm
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Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there!
current mood: hungry
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| Saturday, May 7th, 2005
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7:12 pm - Status: Complete
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After about 39 hours and 20 minutes I have finally beatten Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. It was fun, and now I finally beat it...the end is rather touching, as well as a spin off of Goku's spirit bomb...Nonetheless, it was still a good game.
Still trying to figure out how the heck I spent all my money...Seems to me that I never got a statement for April (if I was supposed to get one) and I was thinking along the lines of the statement before that...still ticks me off though...
Teeth are getting a little better, but now on my left side of my mouth I have so many cuts and ulcers from my braces its just as bad as my teeth hurting...
Got one application filled out and two others electronically submitted...work sucks but yet I have to do it...and finding a job is torture! Nobody wants me...
Still not following God like I should be...but at least now I know why: my heart hardened...somehow...I'm definitely making an effort to go to church tomorrow and hopefully God can change me and my stone heart and maybe if I'm lucky God'll baptize me in His holy spirit...Its so freakin hard to live without Him (Holy Spirit) that I can't see why people who are seriously following Christ don't have it...I wonder why I never had it, well, not in mass quantities...
Not that anyone cares, but I started to slip back into my masturbation mode...not that I have been free from it completely, its just that the past few days I made an effort to do it during the day, not at night right before bed like I usually do it if I do it at all...Tis a shame, really...
Hmmm...my life otherwise is pretty boring like always...*sigh*...
current mood: bored current music: rock
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| Thursday, May 5th, 2005
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3:31 pm - Pain
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Right now I am in pain from being at the orthodontist yesterday...my teeth hurt as hell.
Other than that, I am hurting financially...I just got a deposit statement today and I have $108.00 in my checking account...I do have some money in my savings account, but I was saving that for my trip to Paraguay, if I even go anymore, and I will be sad to have to use that...still no luck in getting another, better paying because I work more, job...
Also, I am hurting spiritually. I haven't been at church listening to God's word in a little while, although I have been to babysit. I haven't been reading my bible every single day like I had once was eager to do. I am not thinking all positive thoughts and now my feelings are starting to waiver, and for a strange reason I kinda felt like I had something for Matt Shaffer today as I walked behind him towards Fine Arts...I just know that it was satan trying to get me to believe that I am lonely and need to like someone other than God...I don't know. I think that I am far away from God and that I am in the wrong, and yet I'm not doing anything about it...I think I'm a hypocrite for everything I've said/done so far in my life because of the way I am now...:-( Like I said, I don't know...
The only thing that has improved lately is my homework/study habbits...now that its almost the end of the school, I'm starting to actually do and put effort into my homework...before I think what happened was that satan stole my "homework drive" and so I just was lackidasical about a lot of things...
*sigh* Yeah well...life drags on...
current mood: hungry
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| Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
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1:55 pm - My life is officially over
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I am screwed.
I haven't been diligent in keeping track with my finances and today for the first time I was denied some things from Walden's Bookstore. I went down to the ATM machine and it said that I have $27 dollars left...
If this is true I am truely irresponsible, Krista was right, and my life is over. I don't have a job, I need to drive to Reading like 3 times a week and Lancaster once, and both are 30 min drives...I wont have any money for gas...Satan has truely did me over this time...and I don't know how to fix it.
I think I am going to just stop eatting and fast until God answers my desperate prayers...even if that means I shall starve to death...I don't care anymore. I'd sooner die and go to heaven now than live on this hell of an earth...heh, and if I die and go to hell, well...at least I wont have to worry about getting myself back up on my feet because it'll be absolutely impossible because I'll be eternally suffering with emense pain from all the sin that I've committed...
Well, I have my spot in heaven, but I've heard that if you commit suicide that you go to hell so ya know... But don't worry just yet...I won't commit suicide...just thinkin about it for the time being.
How can God still love me? How can He help me in this? How can God not be angry at me? How am I still worthy enough to be called God's child, His daughter? I don't deserve to be considered Christian if this is the fruit that I produce in my life...
No wonder I'm not dating anybody right now...nobody would be able to understand me or even want to understand me and cope with me...nobody cares about me that much...except God but He's doing a good job on keeping me in the dark about everything and making me suffer...*sigh* Why do trials have to suck?
current mood: depressed
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| Monday, April 11th, 2005
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6:23 pm - Tryin new shoes on
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Lately I've been clinging onto God more, mostly in an attempt to not think about a certain someone and all around just fall in love with God. So far I'm feeling great, but I still got a long way to go...
Anyways, my heart is dead set on becomming a missionary to Japan. So, lately I've been trying to do all that I can to help me prepare for reaching a nation. I still need God to baptize me in His Holy Spirit, but that is on God's time, and it'll be just in time. Sunday morning, it felt good laying hands on those who prayed at the alter, even though I did not have the Holy Fire burning within my heart, but either way it was awesome. How so? It was awesome because I had the priviliage of talking to God for them, I had the priviliage to pray for them and ask for God's blessing on their lives. I know I was making a difference, and that is why it was awesome. Sunday night at youth group, we continued our CSI series, and this week we had to prove the Bible was true and all. We won the argument and all, but...sorry folks, devastating news ahead...
Pastor Erin took a bible, probably from the dollar store, and he challenged us with 'how much of the bible do you really know? You get up on stage proudly saying that you believe in it, but when it comes to knowing the bible, do you know it? Open up your bibles to...wait, who here has their bibles?' Out of maybe 40 or 50 kids, only 6, including me, had their bibles with them. He challenged us and we went through each book of the bible to see if we knew at least one specific fact from that book. We got through the first few alright, but starting with Deuteronomy, from memory none of us could say one single thing about the entire chapter. Out it went...onto the floor PE shreded the pages, just ripped them right out. For every chapter we knew nothing about he just tore them out and threw them onto the floor. He stopped after awhile, and he told us to each pick up a piece of God's Word that was on the floor, get around the alter and pray. He then left the mic on at the front of the stage for anyone who was willing to go up and pray and say whatever they want to say. Joanna Cahan was first to get up, as I suspected would happen. A few other girls went up, and since nobody was going up, they just went into worship. The mic was calling out to me, and I walked right up on stage while they were still playing since nobody else seemed to be moving. I took the mic off of the stand, and paused a little bit. The band quieted down a bit and I just started to talk. I don't remember everything I talked about, but I did end up going kinda off topic a little bit. After I couldn't think of anything else to pray, I just went silent and the band started to play and sing again, so I just started worshiping God from right there, with the mic still in hand. Eventually PE put his hand on my shoulder to take back the mic and make me sit down, and I was pretty sure that he was probably annoyed with me for just staying up there, but I didn't really care. I just liked the feel of the mic in my hand, my word being heard by everyone. I hope that out of everything that I said, that at least one thing touched at least one person last night.
I have noticed that I am good and most happy encouraging people, and with that I want to be able to reach out to others. I just hope that I can fulfill all that God wants me to do, even though I know right now I am no where near being all that I can be for God...
Pray para mi mis amigos en Christo por favor.
Other than that, I am currently working on attempting to write my own English/Japanese song, although it is soooooo hard! Kudos to all musicians and song writers out there for having the passion and ability to do that stuff...
I have to go take my car over to the garage to get something fixed...Sayonara
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| Sunday, April 10th, 2005
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11:12 am
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Next Sunday is gonna be hott stuff...Pastor Brian is going to be speaking about being baptized in the Holy Spirit, being ready for battle. Today he talked about waiting on God, and about how the diciples and the church had to wait 10 days after Jesus ascended back up to heaven for God's Holy Spirit to come down.
There was an alter call today for those who are in the middle of waiting on God and need guidance and such, and those who are too busy and don't have time to get "twisted up" in God, as the old Hebrew defines waiting. I didn't feel the need to pray for myself at the alter, although I prayed a short prayer in my seat, but when people started to go up, I saw krista's parents, Rick and Shery, praying together. I went up and laid hands on them and prayed for them, and then I moved on to other people. I must say that praying for others felt good,although I didn't have the Holy Spirit in me to make me more able to reach out. That is one thing that I want and need, if I want to be an awesome missionary to Japan, or wherever God wants me to be.
On a different note, I didn't make getting into the PA Governer School for International Studies in Pittsburg. There were 393 applicants who applied, and only 100 were chosen, and I was part of the 293 who weren't special enough. But I'm not really bummed out about it, because now I can:
1. Get a job without having to say "I'll be gone a month in Pittsburg..." 2. Be involved with VBS again this year 3. Go on one or two Invasions with my youth group 4. Save up more money for my missions trip to Paraguay
current mood: hungry current music: Toby Mac ~ Diverse City
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| Friday, April 8th, 2005
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6:44 pm - To Jason and Lya
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First of all, I want to thank you, Lya, for wanting to come visit me to hang out, but I don't really think its a good idea. I don't really want you guys to come out of your way to visit me. I don't want you guys to have to pay for the awful gas prices first off, and I don't want yous to get lost along the way either. More importantly, this is why I do not want you guys to come:
Ever since you and I last met at Otakon, Jason, I have always dreamed of doing things like holding your hand and kissing you. No huge surprize there, I guess. Anyway, I don't know if I will be able to act like "just a friend" to you since I have run different things through my mind and playing things out scene by scence. I do not want to get in the way of you and Lya, and knowing me I would probably feel like the 3rd one out just like I always do, even if I'm not. Again Lya, thank you for wanting to come, but if you wanted to come visit everytime I needed someone, you'd never get back to MD. I'm always in need of something and am constantly on an emotional roller coaster. I mean, I do have God on my side and can always count on Him. You two could have a lot more fun without me.
If you still insist on comming even knowing that, then great, be my guest. But if knowing my thoughts and all you don't want to come, then you don't have to. I asked my dad and he didn't give me an answer, but this is my answer.
I mean, I would love to hang out with you guys, but I'm just concerned that my feelings would go out of control and I'll end up feeling worse about things or worse yet get in the way of you two...
Sorry for being such a pain, guys.
Edit: Please don't come. Please don't bother with me....its not worth it....I'm not worth it.
current mood: bored
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| Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
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6:15 pm - Lyrics in a new light
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4:20 pm - Praise the Lord!!
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Just wanted to give y'all my praise report from today ^_^
If you didn't know it, but I have been struggling a little bit in History class. I was on a verge of C/D this last quarter, and it all came down to this one last test on Chapter 26, I think lol. Well, today I found out that I got a C on the test, and in doing so it pushed my grade up to a C!!! ^_^ Since its a weighted course, its worth the same as a B, and I'm glad that God helped me get through this quarter with a C.
God is good All the time All the time God is good
Heck yeah!!! ^_^ Halelujah!
On another note, I at least survived running the mile today in gym...even though my time was absolutely horrible...God deserves praise for keeping me alive, although I felt like dying...I hate gym...I think its the work of the devil...just kidding :-p
current mood: cheerful current music: Sakura Drops ~ Utada Hikaru
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| Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
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6:17 pm - Aha!
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Figured out what was wrong with me...
To put it simply I don't know why or what happened but I ended up not reading my bible for a few days. Now, I don't know if any of you know the importance of that, but for me thats my source of life for God's words are living. When I didn't read, I wasn't filled with food thoughts of Him or anything, so nasty evil satan decided to fill me with negative thoughts instead. Hence why I was practiacally down to absolute zero where all movement stopped, where no forward momentum towards better things existed.
I definitely feel better now that I started reading again. So you guys don't have to worry about me for the time being again. I shall be okay.
current mood: tired
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| Friday, April 1st, 2005
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7:40 pm - Blockage
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Jason, this shall be the last post you'll be able to read in my journal. I took you off my friends list, blocked you on aim, and I shall do my best to refraim from texting you with my cell phone.
I am only doing this because it looks like I'll never be over you, but at the same token I want to respect you and Lya. It doesn't matter what happens to me anymore. All I care about is that I don't get in the way of anything that you do, and this is the only way I know how. Now you don't have to put up with my bitching self any longer. You can finally go on without having to worry about me.
I want to die and get out of this hell we call earth. I hate it here because it seems like nobody really gives a damn about me. At least in heaven God will love me...and I can actually be with him... God I really hate this world...I want to physically be with You, Father, but yet I'm just stuck on this seemingly God-forsaken world...*sigh*...
:`-( I'm worth nothing...not to you, not to anyone...I'm simply worthless...end of story. I'm just a piece of shit on the bottom of peoples' shoes...something that nobody wants around.
Goodbye...not that any of you really care. *waves a tearful goodbye*
current mood: Someone kill me now
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| Thursday, March 31st, 2005
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5:58 pm - :-(
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I just don't know whats wrong with me...
I feel bad emotionally and I don't know why...its starting to annoy me more than anything else, but still...I sometimes wish I could be free, but everywhere I go my mind is in shackles...I'm imprisoned within my own mind and I hate it.
Whatever may be causing this its probably my fault for it happening anyway...
Dammit...maybe I...maybe I'm just in love and I don't want to admit it...*sigh*
:-(
current mood: exanimate current music: Toby Mac...he's my hero
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| Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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9:22 pm
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My last post was really off the wall, but who said I was normal?
Anyway, I just want everyone to know that I meant no harm in Jason and Lya's relationship. In fact, I wanted them to be blessed and have fun and enjoy themselves together, and I prayed for them more than once. When I heard that they broke up, I was so worried that they saw what I had posted earlier, because I did not want them to break up because of me. I simply wanted them to break up in their own time, if they ever broke up. Sometimes I want to be with Jason, sometimes I don't. At this time I am not hung over him like I was before, because I am more concerned with following God than anything else right now.
Whether what I said is true, I think for right now it is only a test from God to see if I will trust God in whatever He says and tells me. I don't care if Jason and I never end up together. Its all about God and what He wants him and I to do. If God has our paths crossing again down the road in life, great! If not, I am still going to keep on serving Him because He is an awesome God to be praised and He is holy no matter what. God is totally awesome in His own ways, and He works in His own times.
Besides, I have a lot to work on in my life...aka, my mind! I don't need anybody else because God is all I really need.
current mood: Thankful for a loving God current music: WJTL...why not?
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| Sunday, March 27th, 2005
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10:56 pm - My tormenting thoughts
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*Sigh* This is where I am with my thoughts right now, and its really eatting me inside because it contradicts what is happening in my reality:
Ever since I met Jason I have constantly wondered and asked God if he and I were made for each other or not. Its been both up and down for us, a giant roller coaster ride. But a little bit ago I think God answered my prayers and told me the answer: "Yes. You are meant to encourage him and both of you will grow spiritually and it will all be perfect." Something of that sort, maybe not word for word since it was a few days ago. Anyway, I do not know for sure if this is God speaking to me, or if its just my imagination, but for the sake of keeping my mind under control I believed it to have been God's voice. I'm trying to keep on believing it was Him with all my heart and trusting in Him, but it is just so hard for me because of the reality of where people are situated right now in life. Jason is currently dating Lya, and things are going really well for them. I've been encouraging Jason with everything involving her because I did not want him to know my true thoughts and feelings about it all. I don't want to break them up though. Not knowing that they are happy together, and not being completely sure if this is God's will or not. I am just going to keep on trusting God that everything will work out to His perfect plan, even if things don't turn out the way I want it to, because I know that God has my best interest in mind. I am trying my hardest not to worry about this situation and just leave Jason go and not think about him, but it is hard for me. I don't know if Jason noticed this or not, but I have been pretty non-emotional while talking to him, simply because I don't want to become emotional. I actually let some emotion slip last night when Jason told me he will be extending an invitation for her to come live with him since she will be soon out of a place to stay, but I don't want to get involved any further. I don't want anybody to do anything they don't want to do because of me. Grrr! I'm hating this battling thought thing...
Jason, if you read this, now you know what I didn't tell you before. I simply didn't tell you because either you wouldn't believe me or tell me something else like it cant be true or something because things are going really well with you and Lya. I simply just could not keep this inside of me any longer because its too much to bear. At least other people know now.
I only want to do God's will for my life and live for Him, but this is something I have not been able to simply forget about. I just can't shake it from my mind. *sigh* Lord, help me to know what is Your truth and what isn't. Help me to continue to do Your work for my life and not to stray from You again. Keep me strong and growing in You. Help me keep You as my number one priority in my life. Father, I love you and I thank You for loving me. In Your precious and holy name I pray, amen.
current mood: too contemplative
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| Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
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10:35 am - Evilness sucks
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Well, yesterday was a new revelation for me. As I was talking to Jason I noticed I was slipping back into negativeness. At first I thought it was him, as I had thought before, but just as I was about to leave, I think I figured out why. Before I noticed that I only become extremely negative when I get on the computer, and then I remembered last tuesday with my mom and it all linked together. Wherever my mom goes evilness follows. This computer has had to endure countless hours of her on it, and evilness just lingers around it. Hence why everytime I get online I seem to be dead in negativeness. So what that means to everybody else: you guys don't have to put up with me as much anymore because I'm going to try to stay off of this computer from now on. Even though I don't want to since a lot of my good friends are online, but I guess if I ever want to grow in Christ like I should have been doing over the past 2 years, I have to make some sacrifices. I got on now to check my email, but was disappointed when I found not one new one. Oh well. I shall be on from time to time, especially for research for youth group, so don't count me gone completely. Well, I guess it doesn't really matter if you call me gone or not. If you want to keep in touch with me, I shall communicate with my cell, and yes I do have texting. My cell # is 717-304-6422. Don't be afraid to contact me...I don't bite...hard.
sayonara minnasan...thank you for always being there for me
current mood: sick
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| Sunday, March 20th, 2005
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2:56 pm - Oopsy Daisy
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Just wanted to clarify my spelling error from before lol. His name is Maurice, not Mourice...I pronounced it wrong so therefore I spelled it wrong...oopsy daisy.
Things are going good between Jason and Lya...I'm half glad for them, and half sad since I might still be holding onto some feelings for Jason...*sigh* But I got to keep my head up and keep pressing towards God...God knows whats best for me, and if Jason isn't for me, then I shouldn't try to mess up God's perfect plan. I may not always like what is in front of me, but I have to have faith that good things will come.
My European History teacher, Mrs. Murphy, said that if I need to I can stay after school in her room and work on history with her since I told her my family situation and I'm not always able to get my work done. Sometimes I think I might just be lazy, but there are certain times when I seriously do have issues at home. I don't know when I want to stay after yet...I might ask to stay after monday, since I need to finish my chapter notes from last chapter, and maybe get started on the next chapter. Frankly, I didn't read a whole lot. So...hopefully I did at least okay on my exam. I took the essay instead of the multiple choice, since I could just read a little bit and write about it and hopefully do a heck of a lot better than the multiple choice. I at least get +2 points for keeping score in our review game, so I'm hoping that helps.
Can't wait til this thursday night because we're leaving for Hershey and Youth Convention!! ^_^ Heck yeah! Its going to be soooooo much fun! I'm hoping I can get to know some of my friends a little better.
Well, I should start researching...tonight for youth group we're starting our CSI series, where we have to defend a case. We have to "investigate" if God exists and defend our answer tonight. I want to be able to honestly defend my God in this mock setting, so maybe it'll help me defend Him elsewhere. Well, I'm exiting, stage left.
current mood: excited current music: Oopsy Daisy ~ Toby Mac
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| Saturday, March 19th, 2005
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10:05 am
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I really don't know why I'm updating this since I don't really have anything to say.
I will admit that I am beginning to feel lonely again since I haven't been tight in God's arms this week. Ever since tuesday I have been afraid to seek after God and become alive just in order to feel what I did again. I should really find an adult to talk to about that other than my dad so they can help me.
Babysitting time again today...the cantata Scarlet is going on for 2 performances today and 2 more tomorrow, and thank God I'm not babysitting tomorrow. I'm actually going to watch it lol. I know bits and pieces about it, like they have a real lamb for one of the scenes, but thats about it. Mourice (hope I spelled that right) is one of the spies along with Joey I think. I've been having fun hanging out with Mourice every once in awhile during practice/performances. I wouldn't mind hanging out with him at times other than church, but I don't know if he would want to. I don't know how good of friends we are, but I do know that he would have sat with me during our supper meal last night if there was an empty seat. He ended up sitting at the other end of the table with Joey, but later when I went up for seconds I sat in front of him since whoever was sitting there left. We talked for a little bit before he had to leave to go upstairs to the prayer room with everybody else. Mourice is actually a year younger than me and a grade below me, but he's still cool. I don't know if I can see myself dating him or anything, but just to hang out I can see us getting together possibly. Angela could hang out with us too, since her and Mourice are great friends even though I think they're related, cousins maybe. I don't know...I don't know about anything.
Emad, my friend from Egypt, told me yesterday that he's going to soon be engaged to his cousin...I thought that was wrong, but hey, its another culture. The news did come at me as a bit of a shock, and even though I told him that things wouldn't work out between us too well and all, I still felt a little sad because now there is no chance of us working out. I liked the idea of having someone like me like he did, but I guess its time for him to move on.
So now the two guys I had thought could possibly be the one for me are definitely not. Jason probably has already visited Lya by now and probably asked her out or something, and Emad is going to be engaged soon. I don't have anybody else in mind at the moment, since I'm trying to stay away from the computer and long distance relationships since its bound to end up horribly wrong. I know that its up to God who I date and marry, but I just cant help but want to know how it feels to fall in love with someone. Love, not lust or false love or anything. Just love. *sigh* I guess I should just kick myself in the ass and go back to God, since I know He loves me all the time, and maybe, just maybe, I'll become satisfied just knowing His love. Sometimes I just wish I were closer to God and more mature spiritually...
Okay, now I'm off. I'm definitely going to my room to spend some time with God since I need to get my head back on straight.
current mood: blah
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